In an attempt to free our podcast of the devastatingly time-sucking talk about the greatest video game character ever conceived by man, it is HERE that you will find as many of his adventures as I can possibly stand to write about. Don’t worry people, he roams the D.C. Wasteland just for you and won’t stop roaming until every last inch of that place knows the name Cool Thomas Jefferson.
Lonely Old Agatha
In my never-ending exploration of the beautiful D.C. Wasteland, I recently came across a very secluded little hut, owned and occupied by a kindly old woman named Agatha. Speaking with her provides you with the option of taking on a quest to find her an old violin in Vault 92. You see, she loves to play but her own violin is homemade and out of tune, so she would like to have what I believe was her great grandmother’s old violin and she asks you to fetch it for her. My first instinct, of course, was to laugh in her face, then blow it off. But then, the old noodle in Cool Thomas Jefferson’s head began to work a bit. I agreed to fetch the violin for her, and set off to Vault 92. I’m not going to regale you with the boring details of that trip because it was just that: boring. The point is, I got the violin and brought it back to Agatha. She exclaimed with joy as I walked in the door with it, not knowing the intentions behind my roguish smile. This is where things to an unfortunate turn for me, however. My plan had been to come back to Agatha, lay the precious musical instrument on the floor at her feet, destroy it with a Super Sledge, and then have a good laugh with the Sergeant as we exited the little hut, leaving that poor old woman broken and alone with nothing to occupy her time with. Very CTJ, right? Yeah well, because the stupid violin was a quest item, I was unable to remove it from my inventory without giving it to her. Ugh. All my fun dashed by the supposedly helpful interface not letting me accidentally throw away important things. Pfft. So I begrudgingly gave her the violin and completed the quest. Her face lit up and she showered me with praise and thanks. My reward for bringing this joy to her life was that I acquired the frequency to her radio and could then listen to her play the violin via my PipBoy. That was a nice little unexpected reward. I also gained good karma for that deed. Don’t worry, I’m still the “Architect of Doom” according to my Pip. I was about to leave when I remembered that I had also found a sheet of original music. I figured I would maybe get some caps out of it, so I gave it to her. This is when the universe smiled upon CTJ once more. Instead of caps as a reward, Agatha gave me her late husband’s unique Magnum .44 as a “thank you”. It is called Blackhawk. If you didn’t know, I love collecting weapons with names, so I was grateful for this. And, in what can only be called cruel irony, wonderful old Agatha took a bullet to the back of the head while she played her violin for me. Right from the barrel of her dead husband’s gun.
Upon exiting her hut, I switched my radio to her station, to find her playing the violin from beyond the grave. Just for me.
The Hunter Twins
There’s always been something that creeps Cool Thomas Jefferson out about twins. If you’re familiar with Fallout 3, you would understand how much he hated Vault 82. GARY! So I was traversing the northern areas of the map, when I came to the Cliffside Shacks. There was nothing particularly special about them; just some shacks on some cliffs. They DID happen to be home to a handful of Super Mutants and their hostages, however. After quickly dispatching the lower level Super Mutants, I dealt with my first Overlord. He had a Gatling Laser and a grudge against me. Maybe cause I killed his buddies. Come on, that’s like…. what I do. Get over it. So I finally take care of that bastard and free the hostages, only to shoot them in the back of the head as they flee. Its my way. After collecting some supplies, I left Cliffside Shacks and was heading back down the hill when I saw two men being attacked by an ant. Well, I did my civic duty and killed the ant, saving the two men’s lives. I approached them to see if they had anything to offer in the way of buying/selling or quests. They were both hunters and sold food only. Meh. It was only after talking to the second one, however, that I realized that they both looked and talked EXACTLY the same. Right down to the goddamn rags they wore. Knowing what you know about CTJ, you can imagine that this unnerved him. But these were kind hunters, whose lives I had just had a direct hand in saving; I couldn’t just kill them and walk away with a clean conscience. So I did the only reasonable thing I could think to do: I just killed one of them. Now they weren’t creepy twins. I left the other one, cursing my name and firing after me as I left him alone, without his twin brother, to the mercy of any other giant ants that may come along. My unsettled feeling washed away and was replaced with a contentedness that came from the knowledge that I was helping to rebalance the world one shotgun shell at a time.