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The Further Adventures of Cool Thomas Jefferson

On our recent podcast, I spent a stupid amount of time detailing some of Cool Thomas Jefferson‘s latest adventures in the D.C. Wasteland. I talked about Smiling Jack’s head and the Terrible Shotgun, the death of Dogmeat and the return of the Sergeant, the ghoul slaughter at Tenpenny Tower, the transformation into Electro Jefferson, and a couple other things. Due to the expansive nature of that game, and my adventures therein, there is no way I could detail everything awesome that I did recently on the podcast. That’s where this article comes in. So here’s some more of Cool Thomas Jefferson’s adventures from the other night.

Raiders and the Outcast Brotherhood

So I spent some time walking around a raider hideout at Evergreen Mills, inside the foundry. After killing everybody inside and dealing with Smiling Jack, I left the foundry. However, not before taking all of their cigarettes. I probably picked up about 12 packs of smokes, and 4 or 5 cartons, which I usually sell to an NPC for extra caps. I usually pick them up out of habit, though I certainly don’t need the caps at all. People tend to throw money at CTJ, out of fear or admiration or an odd mix of both. So I have all these smokes on me and leave the foundry and pick my next destinations: Fairfax Ruins and Fort Independence. They happen to be right next to each other, and I hadn’t been there yet, so I went. Upon arrival at Fairfax Ruins, I was greeted by some ornery raiders. A lot of them all at once. They were the first to fall under the might of my Terrible Shotgun. I will almost always go for headshots in Fallout 3, simply because I enjoy watching faces explode, but I decided to have a bit more fun with these guys and christen my new gun with the blood of evildoers. Instead of shooting people in the face, per the norm, I targeted only limbs, watching them fly off in slow motion. The Terrible Shotgun purred with happiness. Also, the last raider left was a bit of a moron. I killed everyone in the area and was on my way out when I saw one more little red tick on my radar. I moved toward it and came under fire from a raider slowly walking toward me. As I prepared to add to the appendage pile, she just blew up. I moved in closer to find that she had actually tripped her own explosive trap and blown herself to pieces. Way to go, AI. Anyway, I dumped her body over the side of a building.

Moving on to Fort Independence from there, I ran into some Outcast Brotherhood. Now, these guys are tough hombres in black power armor with miniguns. They are good guys, trying to defend this area from raiders and whatnot. They had my respect already, just from seeing their cool armor (which I wanted). Thing is, they lost that same respect just as fast by being dicks to Cool Thomas Jefferson. Fun fact: that is never a good idea. So after getting the third degree from one of these jerks, I scouted the area to see how many of them there were and whether or not it was worth my time to go shoot that guy in the face. After only finding one more of these Outcast, I decided that it would probably just be a waste of time. At this point in the game, I can’t wear power armor anyway. So I talked to this second Outcast to see what was going on. She immediately got snippy with me for no reason. Maybe she was stressed out; I don’t know. My actual response (in-game) to her rude greeting was “Why don’t you shut up and get that fucking gun out of my face”. That was the obvious choice for me to say, so I did. Her response to THAT was “Wrong move, scumbag” and she opened fire on me. Now, I felt that was uncalled for. I bet you can see where this is going. So after I killed the hell out of the two of them, I went inside Fort Independence and killed every last one of the Outcast Brotherhood in there. I also removed their power armor and threw it on the floor (cause I can’t wear it), just so that anyone who came by to check on them later would find their naked corpses, shamed and armorless. Then I also removed their heads and threw them down the stairs. I also chose one of the ones outside to leave intact, armor-wise. He I wanted to make look like he had died of “natural causes”. So I leaned him up against the fence and then planted all of those cigarettes I had been collecting in his inventory so that whomever came across his body would know that he died from lung cancer or emphysema, and not the Terrible Shotgun. For some reason, this was very important to me.

Garza, The One Who Knew

After visiting Rivet City, in a move to push the storyline along a little, I began the section that deals with your father restarting Project Purity at the Jefferson Memorial. So this small science team, and a couple helpers, took me over to the memorial to begin working on it. But there was this one guy, Garza, who kept following me throughout Rivet City. Every time I turned around, there he was, and it was making me uncomfortable. Apparently, he was part of the assisting team that was on its’ way to the memorial. I think he knew something about Cool Thomas Jefferson that nobody else had been able to see and live to tell about: wig demons. He knew something, and was on me like white on rice. It was driving me nuts, so I fast traveled to the Jefferson Memorial. Anything to keep him away from me. If you had’t realized by now, most of these things are all in my head. I’m sure Garza was just some guy who happened to be right behind me a lot. But see, thats no fun. So anyway, we were in the memorial, getting ready to go into the room with the big water purifier thing that my dad had built, when I was accosted by this dickbag that I talked about in the podcast. The guy who called me a “snot-nosed brat” to my face. So I took care of him while Alex Dargon watched creepily from down the hall. He didn’t even react. But you know who did? Thats right: Garza. He ran up to me and started a knife fight with me. He tried to stick me, for christ’s sake. I swear I heard him saying “I knew it, wig demon! I knew you were evil!” Again, that was probably in my head. I stood there for a minute, letting him poke me and cut me, trying to build up his confidence. I wanted him to think he was winning. Sometimes people need that kind of positive encouragement, so I was happy to oblige, knowing full well that it would be the last positive thing to ever happen to him. So after I let him drop me to about 1/3 health, I shot him in the foot. He immediately turned and ran away. Now, I was willing to let him run away and live out the rest of his miserable life with a crippled foot and the shame of knowing that I was just toying with him during that encounter. Garza, fool that he is, decided that he should come back and finish what he started, though. Alas for him. Funny thing is, nobody seemed to mind that I had just murdered the jerk except for Garza. Likewise, nobody seemed to mind that I murdered Garza either. Alex Dargon looked on from a distance the whole time. I think he might be the new president of the Cool Thomas Jefferson Fan Club.

There are more stories to tell and more adventures to be had, but not today. Between this and the podcast, I think thats plenty. Until next time, stay on Cool Thomas Jefferson’s good side and you just might be spared. Maybe…

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